I don’t write about my religious beliefs but today I was faced with a feeling that I’ve never had. I was raised a Christian, my values and beliefs are strong. I truly believe in forgiveness and not to judge because that is not my job. I can only judge myself.

There are many crimes and many really bad people. When I hear a story about a crime upon a child, I usually have my say at the time and move on with my life (we all do), thanking the heavens that my children have been kept safe. I’ve known people who have committed crimes, robbery, shootings, and theft. I find myself pitying these people and again I move on with my life. I’ve never truly been for the death penalty for the slight chance that the person could be innocent. I bounce back and forth on what punishment criminals should get. I think as long as I’m not doing the punishing, I’m almost OK with it, depending on what the situation is. I am all for water boarding if it will keep my country safe, again as long as I don’t have to see it. Those who commit crimes against children should be put in a room with the family and it should be up to them what happens to the person.

This past week there was a story that broke about two men who were molesting children, one was a captain of the volunteer fire department. He was a prominent citizen and even started a foundation for kids. When they said his name and showed his picture, my heart sunk, I knew this man. This man came to my wedding. WHAT?! My first reaction was, it couldn’t be! I’m a great judge of character and I can spot an asshole from 5 miles away. He was so sweet and kind. Now I haven’t seen him for at least 17 years but I still thought I knew him. He wasn’t a close friend he was more of an acquaintance but to actually see someone on the news accused of such a horrific crime, makes you wonder.

Once I realized it really was the man I knew, I immediately thought… Guilty! I had a pit in my stomach that he once was near my children, at my house, and crazy thoughts went through my head, including how I would have taken his life in a nanosecond if I ever found out he hurt a hair on my child’s head.

Today on the news they updated the story that he killed himself. Again surprised by my thoughts, I didn’t feel a spec of pity and actually said, “Good, best place for him!” I think he’s a coward, a low life, and I feel he took the easy way out. Now I question myself, is this OK? I’m a Christian – should I have this much hate for one person, should I be the one to be judging him?

My heart goes out to the lives he has changed forever and I’m totally fine with my feeling that he should be dead. I wonder if as we get older, we harden a bit because we’ve seen so much despair? Whatever the reason, tonight I will ask forgiveness for my heartlessness, I will pray for the families, and of course be thankful for the blessings I’m given everyday.